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Unworthy:

I say I’m unworthy, but in Christ I know I am worthy.

I am  just sitting here thinking about my life. I have done somethings in my life I know I  should  not be forgiven for, but I know Christ forgives all.

I am  thinking about when I was married and I wonder if I married too  quickly and I was too much in like and not in God’s will  to realize that he wasn’t the one who God had set aside  for me.  I felt like the Lord was telling me he was the one. I know now he definitely wasn’t the right person for me.  All of my physical scars have healed.  I still have emotional scars that only the Lord can heal.

  I have to wonder if some of what my children are doing these  days  is my fault. I know at one point in time in my walk with the Lord I wasn’t a very good Christian.

 I have run from God several times and yes you are reading this right. I tried to fix everything on my own. I got so far down on myself and tried to drown my sorrows in drinking. That didn’t work. I just woke up the next day hung over.  I hope someone that reads this it  will help them in the long run.

  I feel horrible for things I did when I was backslidden.  I know in Christ  I am forgiven. I blame myself for not staying  with it and holding on to the everlasting arms. When I needed him the most. I was that frighten little girl who hid from someone who abused her and used her.  I feel like at times I am not worthy to be happy at all because everytime I look around there is another  storm.

 How many times can I say I am sorry for things I have done. Now I know the Lord forgives me and I have to put it all at his feet and just let it go.

 I feel so alone and isolated. I know the Lord is here and I know it will be worth it all in the end. Sometimes when I feel like this, It is a test of my faith. So I have to feed my faith and starve my doubts. Wait a minute! You ask me, “What is feeding my faith and starving my doubts?” That is when I go to the Lord for everything and stay in his word. Read your bible and pray everyday, that  is how you grow.     I have not been a very good Christian and I have given it all to the Lord.

 I really feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because I think people don’t understand this  blind woman and therefore  will not take the time to get to know me at all.

 I have several  acquaintances  in my life but only a few that I can call my true friends. So my circle is very small and that is a good thing because they have seen me at my best and at my worst. So if you cannot handle me at my worst please don’t try to handle me at my best. I am a sinner saved by grace. I will make mistakes and let you down.

 I am not looking for a pity party either. Just would like to be a blessing to someone out there who is hurting. Please try to get some help by talking to someone who you can trust. Also everyone cannot be trusted, so be very careful. I say that to say this. A listening ear can be a running mouth.

 I just wondered what would have happend to me if I had  stayed on the path of destruction. I feel so guilty for what I have done, but God has forgiven me and I need to let it go  and stop hanging on to the past.

I think sometime there is no way I will make it in. So you know if you have accepted Christ as your personal saviour then you know you cannot lose your salvation. Once saved always saved.

My thoughts are all over the place and so please hang on for the ride.

So now getting back to relationships, it is hard for me, because men seem to change their minds every five minutes. I don’t want this to turn into a bashing post of men. I feel like men and women don’t know what they want in life and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. If you say you love or care for someone how come they run from you. Some people cannot handle when people are honest with each other. It is ok, but just don’t string someone along for the wrong reasons. If you do this then the  individuals will get hurt. Sometimes this can stem from someone who has been hurt so bad and they cannot commit because of something in their past. Remember there are still some genuine people out there and will have your best interest at heart. I had a friend say to me the other day do you want me to fix you up with a man and I said, “No!”  because all they seem to do is make you  cry. I just want to do the single life right now. Although sometimes being single can get very boring when you see other couples making plans for holidays or vacations. So life is so complicated  and I don’t need the extra heartache. Not saying I will be single forever but right now that is the plan. I have to wait on the Lord for a husband because It isn’t good for man or woman to be alone. You know love is a big part of a humans life and you will not be able to survive without some kind of love. Now I see why so many single men and women have pets. Don’t get me wrong I love pets but I don’t want to take the time to nurture them and right now at this point in my life cannot afford them. I know that may sound harsh but if I cannot commit to taking care of a pet I am better off not getting one.

I have to do a lot on my own and I am by myself quite a bit.  It would be nice to be able to go out with a friend because life is too short to live like a recluse and not get out there at all. Am I living in a fantasy world? Maybe in a perfect world it’s suppose to be this way!

That only happens on television or in a book. I know we are suppose to be wise as serpents and harmless  as doves. I have to wonder about when a relationship does not go the way someone feels like it should.  Then people in the circle of friends treat each other different. It always left me wondering if they were my friend to begin with? I wonder about that at times.

 I  feel alone and I know I am not alone. I have  confessed and asked for forgiveness but it seems like Christian friends are more stand offish than some random stranger you run into when you are out shopping. This isn’t a post to bring down my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am just saying that sometimes there are clicks and if you don’t fit their status quo then you are left out and that isn’t right either. So please don’t take what I just said the wrong way because I am just stating what I have experienced in my life.

So I have been single for 9 years now. I have seen how much life has changed. I have had friends come and go. Also friends who have said, “How come you cannot get over this divorce already?” That is coming from someone who I thought was a friend that could understand what I was going through. I know now when you cannot seem to move along in life people run out of patience with you and avoid you if you’re being so down in the dumps. This is when you just trust God and he will never let you down. He will stick closer than a brother.

I know things have changed so much since the divorce. How can you tell because people are different towards you because the way they talk to you. Let them find out you are divorced. This is where a lot of judgement comes in to the picture. People who have no clue about what happened start running their mouths without having any information at all. You have to understand there are always three sides to a story. His side, her side, and the truth. If you are just talking without the facts pleas stop. I will say this again, a listening ear could very well be a running mouth. So please if you cannot be an encouragement just keep your mouth shut. I have been on the receiving end of that criticism. That doesn’t always help at all. Plus it isn’t good for someones self esteem. The words you say could very well push them over the edge. The tongue is a very small member but it can cut more than a 2 edged sword. Remember there is always a perpetrator and a victim in all divorces. So if you don’t want to cause anymore pain be a true friend.

   I am going to get a little more personal here. I have dealt with men and you will understand why I am feeling the way I feel. Some men are very understanding and some are not so understanding at all. Some get your trust and let you down. I feel like these are men who have been hurt. So they become protective and keep women at an arms length. Or they hurt them. What I mean by they hurt them is by getting them to trust them. Then when things are going great they will intentionally sabotage the relationship. This is when you know you are dealing with someone who has been hurt in the past or someone who is a player and just don’t want to commit.

So you ask how would I know all of this stuff. I have been there with men. Both kinds and it just makes you want to just give up. Please don’t give up. Keep your eyes wide open because you will see the signs. I will give you a few of the signs. First you all cannot get enough of each other. You talk all the time and share everything. The chemistry is so good and you just want to do a lot of things together. Then all of a sudden you are being pushed aside and rushed off the phone and you are left questioning  if you have done something wrong. Usually when you have to question things there’s your answer. That particular person has found someone else and is afraid to tell you. Or that person was just playing with your heart mind and emotions. If the second part is right then you know that some men or women are not good people when it comes down to relationships.

I was talking with a guy and told him a lot about me. He was so kind and he drew me in. I let him know that I could not have anymore children. He said that everything was ok. He really didn’t mean it at all. He ran as soon as he found someone who was younger and could still have children. I am not trying to put younger women down I don’t blame her because she didn’t know. It was the man’s fault who I was confiding in he wasn’t being very true at all. I told him I chose to have a surgery that would prevent me from having anymore children. Also that surgery saved my life.  I guess  I was selfish when I ppractically passed   out at work.  I arrived at the hospital with a blood count of 6.2 when your  blood count is suppose to be at least  12 to 14. I ended up getting  a blood transfusion and before I left the hospital I ended up getting 6 units of blood. Just have to be a little sarcastic here. You will find out I am just a little sassy.

  I am sorry I wanted to see my kids grow up and spoil my grand children. I am sorry if I was selfish   because I like living and I know the Lord has me here for a reason.

 I had to have an emergency  hysterectomy  because of the problem I have  called endometriosis.  I felt like a half of woman  because I still had baby   fever back then  and still  wanted  more children. Now I feel so different about having more children now.  I have done the single mom role for 9 years now. My daughters are adults.  And I know the Lord meant for me to just have two children.

 There is times when  I wish my life had turned out a little different. I am not writing this because I want people to feel sad when they read this.  I just want my story out there so it could help. When you are feeling like you are not worthy. You are so worth it and please don’t sell yourself short. I know it is easier said than done. Pick yourself up and keep it moving. Trust God he will be with you always. I am just letting my feelings out and once I finish I can go back behind the wall that I feel safe behind. Walls are very sturdy until they start to crumble or someone knocks it completely down. Also please don’t feel sad for me because I seem to bounce back.

 The wall that  protects me is the solid rock of Jesus. I am going to walk by  faith and let God hold me because that is the only way I can make it during the good and bad times.  So until the storm passes over I am safe with my Lord.

I have been  listening to a song and I don’t know if it fits here but I will put it at the  end of this post.

I have stumbled so much and God forgives all. I just wish sometimes I would not have  stumbled at all.  Then  I could have been a better example for my daughters.  I love the lord and I know I should not run. I get frighten and just feel like I need to run. who can protect me more than myself?  I know I am not suppose to feel this way and I am doing better at it than I did back then.

   I know God has me. He knows all my tears i’ve cried in the years of my life.    

The name of the song i have been listening to is called, I come by  The Way of the cross.

This song has been played at least once a day for me. I put the lyrics here. You will understand why I listen to it so much. I don’t own rights to this song.

Please fill free to comment and if you have a prayer request you can leave it here and I will pray for you. Also remember as much as I love you. Jesus loves you even more.

KTF Keep The Faith… 🙂

 Condemned to die on a cross for crimes he had done

 He was guilty- everyone could see.

 But his destiny was changed as he looked at Christ and said,

 “When Your kingdom comes, remember me.”

 In Paradise that day, he stood

 Just like the Lord had said he would

 Surrounded by those who had gone before.

 One said, “Friend, how did you come? What are the deeds you have done?”

 With tears in his eyes, I can hear him reply,

 “There are no merits to my name- no works that I can claim. He Who brought me here told me to say…

 (Chorus)

 I have come by the way of the cross.

 I have come by the way of the cross.

 It is nothing I have done.

 It’s the suffering of God’s Son.

 I have come by the way of the cross.”

 I have nothing to claim but my guilt and my shame.

 Hopelessly lost, I could not find my way.

 Till His glorious light of love shone down on me.

 His mercy washed all my sins away!

 And what He did for me that day

 Was a price I could not pay.

 And by His grace, I too can say- forever say…

 (Chorus)

 Bridge

 I see millions gathered ’round the throne

 From every kindred and tongue-

 Those redeemed by the blood of the Lamb!

 And as they cast their crowns down at His feet

 This will be my story- this will be my song,…

 (Chorus “We”)

There is no other way.. but the cross! By the cross! By the cross!

Is There Such A Thing As The Perfect Match?

When you meet someone and you click from the first time you speak. That brings the question about could this be the one who i’ve been waiting for? This can pop up in your mind… Well stay with me on this and you will see where I am going with this subject. I warn you now about this particular subject and it will be all over the place, like my mind is in this moment. I would say being a little scattered brained!

I had loss someone who was  like a mother figure to me. She really  stepped in and became Grandma to my girls and she really helped me during a very difficult time of my life. I had just gotten a divorce. This single mom stuff was very hard. I  really didn’t know what I was doing and this special lady helped me in so many ways. You all don’t know how overwhelmed I was when all of the responsibility was literally dropped into  my lap.  Yes I got a divorce. Wait before you ask, “Why?” The reason is because I married the wrong man.  And the  reason I say this is because he didn’t love me like he was suppose to love me. We were good in the beginning. It seems like after we had children everything changed in our marriage.

In the Bible  it speaks  about how a husband is to love his wife. It is found in the book of Ephesians 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

  Also in  that same chapter it  speaks about how a wife is to love her husband.  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

When the bible speaks of submission it isn’t anything  vile or perverted. It is talking about submitting and loving your own husband and not someone elses’ husband or wife.   

 Well my husband didn’t love me at all. I say that to say this, he always had  wondering eyes.  Before you say but all people do look. I know this is true.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be human. That is the beast in all of us. What I mean by the beast is because when you are a born again Christian you wrestle with the sin nature on a daily basis.   What is a born again Christian? A born again Christian is someone  who realizes that they are a sinner and wants to be forgiven for their sins.  It is so simple just ask Christ to forgive you of your sins and invite him into your heart and live there forever. This will be the best decission you could ever make. I am also letting you know that this road will not be easy. You will loose friends along the way. Also you will have all the normal trials of life but the Lord will be there with you all of the way. Even when you feel all alone he has you and will love you no matter what. Now I am going to let you see a side of me that not too many people will see. I am tired of being  so cloudy and pretending everything is ok, when in actuality it really isn’t. I feel like dealing with the things in my closet is better out in the open and not bottled up.  I will feel so much better with my story out there. Who knows it may help someone. So now we get to the meat of the sandwich.

You ask how I say my husband was the wrong man for me? I know this because how he treated me. I always had to live in another woman’s shadow. Also who would want to live like that? I know I did for almost 2 decades. He always would say things like, why can’t you loose weight and be as small as so and so? Mind you this I had just had children and just couldn’t get the weight off. I wasn’t the only one in the house who could loose a few pounds, but I was nice about it because I didn’t want to start another argument. When we would argue it would get quite toxic. He would say some of the cruelest things that a person could say to another person. So I did what anybody would do that was in my position. So what I did is put up a front for family and friends. I just took the abuse and tried to keep the peace. I let him get away with so much stuff. He talked bad about me behind my back. He chased women. You don’t have to tell me that my marriage was very volatile. I know now I had no business staying as long as I did. I didn’t know any better and wasn’t sure what to do next. I know now, a man who would treat his Wife like this isn’t a good person to be around. So true in so many ways. He always apologized, but apologies are just empty words if there isn’t any action behind them. Then you know they really didn’t mean them at all. You keep doing the same things over and over it is hard to forgive. I know we are to forgive but it is so hard to forgive when the same thing keeps happening over and over again. Needless to say Our marriage was rocky from day one. I am not saying I am perfect at all. I try to do my best. THERE is one thing that sticks out the most. the one thing I had to ask the whole time I was married was “Why do you treat So and So very good and treat me so horrible?” His answer was “I am not married to them.” I think he had things a little messed up. You always treat the person who you are with with respect. I knew things were starting to really go down the tubes when I lost all respect for him. I just got tired and put all my energy into taking care of my girls. I had to do that because in the back of my mind I knew divorce was in our future. When I say I loss respect for him because he started cheating and I can prove two of the affairs but I know he did other things. I will spare you the details, because if I start telling everything I would be writing forever.

The affair that bought our 18 year marriage crashing down like a house of cards. The affair he had  with my so called best friend destroyed me and our children. My children saw more than a child should have ever seen. What I mean by that is they witnessed  it before I knew what was going on and a child should not have  seen all of the things they saw. Their father was  doing wrong, but they shouldn’t  seen  everything they saw.   I knew something was up when she was  starting  to avoid me and hang out with my husband more than ever.I did ask did I do something and she always told me we were fine. I know now she was hiding what they were doing.

   We all worked for the same company and she ended up becoming his secretary. I started noticing little things like they were texting each other in the evening time. I asked what  could they possibly talk about in the evening after being together all day at work. I worked in a different department so I wasn’t around them that much. He always would say things like she had to tell me something. I had a bad feeling about their interaction and I was told it was all in my mind. So I knew it wasn’t just in my mind. If I questioned it. It would start another argument. So I just let it come to a head. I even went as far as asking him did he like her? He always said “I don’t know.”  He wouldn’t tell me the truth and my gut kept telling me that he wasn’t being very truthful with me at all. Now things just spiraled more out of control and I just stop trying because I felt so alone. So in May of 2012 he left me and our girls for my so called friend. So with friends like that who needs enemies? So he filed for divorce and I did not fight  the divorce. I was tired and just couldn’t do it anymore. By the time we had finally gotten divorced. We were in and out of court 5 times. Yes you read that correctly. everything was made very difficult and the divorce was very nasty. I also ended up losing my job in the process of all of that mess.

You have to know by now my self esteem had  plummeted below the basement level of my old house. I was really feeling like I am going to lose my mind. I was trying to keep it all together for my kids and just go through the motions. I felt like a typical 40 year old divorced woman. I was always down on myself and letting things roll around in my head that was told to me. Like who would ever want a divorced mom of 2 teenaged girls. You have to know I didn’t really like myself at this point and time. I felt like the younger women had it easier  and could get whom ever they wanted. I still feel like I will be all alone. My husband would say things like no other  man would want you. So I guess when you are told things like that so many times you start believing them.

Now I am in a different place  after being divorced for 7 years. Now this is where the rubber meets the road. I am so much happier now and I don’t feed off of all the things in my past. If I am down on myself I start praying for the Lord to take all of that negativity away. I was in a dark place back then and now I am much much better. I still have my moments but I don’t stay there for long.  I even  tried dating and it seem like things were going to work out. Well I was so wrong. Either the man was a mama’s boy or they got some wrong advice from friends that really didn’t know me and was just going by what they heard. Yes when people don’t like you they will do and say things to turn people against. You. I find that people who have been hurt in their lives will strike out against you. Also while they are busy dragging you through the mud, they are hurting themselves and never getting  the help they needed  to heal.

So now back to the dating. Sometimes I feel like it is a game to people these days. People complain about being treated unfairly while they are in relationships. Well men and women can be so cruel to one another when they call themselves being mindful of the other persons feelings in actuality they aren’t being very honest and they are hiding things from one another. When they say this is something that can potentially hurt the other person in the relationship. That person isn’t being very honest at all. When people stumble across the truth it is even worse than you know. People don’t realize that it does something to your outlook on life and relationships. Some people stay single for that reason. The reasons could be they have been burned so many times and just rather be alone. Speaking from experience in my dating life it has been one let down after another. Then I start to blame myself because things could be very good in the beginning. Then it seems like you can turn your head for a second and it is a big mess. Now come on who wants to live life like that? I know I don’t.

So now  back to the woman  who helped me through the  worst time of my life. Dottie Fraker stepped in and became the adoptive mom I needed. So when she died in Oct of 2015 her death really devastated me. I had become even more close to her than I was when I was a teenager. I could call her for anything. The day she went home to be with Jesus was one of the worse days  of my life. Simply because I spoke with her that morning before she went to the doctor and found out later she died. I was in a state of shock and walked around like a zombie. At least we told each other  I love you and that was the last words we said to each other. So during that time I met some men and started up friendships with them. I wouldn’t say we were dating because I was grieving. When you grieve for  someone who is like a mother to you. It is different than the way you would grieve for someone else.  I had to find something to keep me busy and let me grieve at the same time. So I went through the  Faith Bible Institute 3 year course.  I was able to dig deeper into the word and develop a closer relationship with the Lord. So while I was doing all of my grieving I wasn’t dealing too much with social media at all. One day I decided to go on Facebook and look around. I found out that Facebook would filter your messages if the person was not on your friends list. So I just wanted to check my messages to see if I had any filtered messages. I had joined a group called Blind PenPals a month before Dottie passed away. So I did indeed have a message. I didn’t think anything of it. I responded and low and behold the person got back. We chatted back and forth  for a couple of weeks. I mean we hit it off from the beginning. I know it is online, but the connection was there. So we exchanged phone numbers. The first time we talked  the conversation flowed like we were old friends. There were times we stayed up until 1 in the morning talking. He would call at 7 in the evening. Those hours would just fly by. Over the months we formed a special bond. A bond like we have does not form over night. It took 4 years. I know he’s online, but you don’t know we met in person. We have so much in common. From getting divorced and our ex spouses were the ones who wanted the divorce. Our daughters are the same ages. Both of our older daughters got engaged about six months apart. Our lives are so entwined that whatever happens to me happens to him. Like when he broke his tooth I broke mine 3 days later. I get sick and he would get sick a couple of days later. That may seem like  small things but it isn’t small at all to us. We actually hung out in person and the chemistry between us flowed so easily. Sitting in his kitchen and drinking coffee was so much fun. We could talk about anything. Also when we dug into the word the time would just go by so fast. We always said we could not be alone because sparks flew between us so easily. When I say sparks flew they  really did.

Now when we kissed for the first time we could feel the electricity charge between us crackling like a fire. I had never been kissed like that in my life. We both were like, “Wow!” We were surprised enough that we kept trying it and getting the same results. It got so intense that we almost went all the way. We came to our senses before we let it get out of control. We talked about it and was on the same page. We didn’t want to disappoint the Lord. Sex outside of marriage is so wrong. Waiting is the best thing to do. It will be more pure and special then. somewhere along the line something changed. We still have our bond, but someone is trying to break it. We had our first disagreement and it was bad. I miss him but he has turned his interest elsewhere. I am not going to bash her but I don’t understand why it happened. He even admitted our bond is still there but I just don’t get men. I don’t want this post to turn into a bashing of men. That is not what I want to do. I am really upset and my feelings are hurt again. Another situation with another younger woman has reared their ugly head again. All the dating I have done since the divorce has ended because of younger girls. I was told not to blame myself, but how can you not? When the cycle seems to keep on going. It easier said than done. What are you to think when a young girl bats her eyes just the right way? I know we all are human and we fight with our flesh everyday. Don’t people try to resist anymore? I feel like the family isn’t like it use to be. People do what ever they want to do and the heck with anyone’s feelings. So what if they get hurt. In their mind people will just have to get over it. That is a selfish attitude to have. So I have come to the conclusion of people will hurt others to have what they want. also know I am not trying to bash younger women because there are a lot of good ones out there. I just have this view because the deck i’ve been dealt. It really stinks when someone is playing dirty pool and they don’t know the impact they will have on someones life. So I hope you realize I showed you a vulnerable part of myself and hope you understand that my emotions are raw. So you will not know what my next post could bring. Hope you stayed with me while I was all over the place. Come back for the next post in a few days. Take care and fill free to leave me a comment. Also KTF Keep The faith. Borrowed from a friend.

Just a little over  33  years ago, I realized I needed Jesus for the same reason we all do, and that’s because “…the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 6:23). We die because of sin; and since we all have sinned, we all shall die. And what death ultimately means is to be separated from God for all of eternity in hell. In Luke Chapter 16, Jesus gives us a glimpse into this place of torment, where we get an eyewitness account from a man who pleads for a drop of water to cool his tongue and says, “I am tormented in this flame.”

But because Jesus is the Son of God, and because He loves us, He came to save us from this flame. He accomplished this feat in the first century when He suffered and died on the cross for our sins and then was raised from the dead. This is the gospel. And if we repent from our sins, and believe the gospel, God promises to give us eternal life. And to repent simply means to be sorry to God for our sins and then turn away from them and ask His Son, Jesus, to come into our life and forgive us. If you would like to receive God’s free gift of eternal life, the following prayer is a guide to help. Dear Jesus, I know I’m a sinner and would be lost in hell without You. Please forgive me for my sins and come into my life. I believe that You died on the cross for my sins and that God, Your Father, raised You from the dead. Thank You, Jesus, for giving me Your free gift of eternal life. Amen.