Unworthy:
I say I’m unworthy, but in Christ I know I am worthy.
I am just sitting here thinking about my life. I have done somethings in my life I know I should not be forgiven for, but I know Christ forgives all.
I am thinking about when I was married and I wonder if I married too quickly and I was too much in like and not in God’s will to realize that he wasn’t the one who God had set aside for me. I felt like the Lord was telling me he was the one. I know now he definitely wasn’t the right person for me. All of my physical scars have healed. I still have emotional scars that only the Lord can heal.
I have to wonder if some of what my children are doing these days is my fault. I know at one point in time in my walk with the Lord I wasn’t a very good Christian.
I have run from God several times and yes you are reading this right. I tried to fix everything on my own. I got so far down on myself and tried to drown my sorrows in drinking. That didn’t work. I just woke up the next day hung over. I hope someone that reads this it will help them in the long run.
I feel horrible for things I did when I was backslidden. I know in Christ I am forgiven. I blame myself for not staying with it and holding on to the everlasting arms. When I needed him the most. I was that frighten little girl who hid from someone who abused her and used her. I feel like at times I am not worthy to be happy at all because everytime I look around there is another storm.
How many times can I say I am sorry for things I have done. Now I know the Lord forgives me and I have to put it all at his feet and just let it go.
I feel so alone and isolated. I know the Lord is here and I know it will be worth it all in the end. Sometimes when I feel like this, It is a test of my faith. So I have to feed my faith and starve my doubts. Wait a minute! You ask me, “What is feeding my faith and starving my doubts?” That is when I go to the Lord for everything and stay in his word. Read your bible and pray everyday, that is how you grow. I have not been a very good Christian and I have given it all to the Lord.
I really feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because I think people don’t understand this blind woman and therefore will not take the time to get to know me at all.
I have several acquaintances in my life but only a few that I can call my true friends. So my circle is very small and that is a good thing because they have seen me at my best and at my worst. So if you cannot handle me at my worst please don’t try to handle me at my best. I am a sinner saved by grace. I will make mistakes and let you down.
I am not looking for a pity party either. Just would like to be a blessing to someone out there who is hurting. Please try to get some help by talking to someone who you can trust. Also everyone cannot be trusted, so be very careful. I say that to say this. A listening ear can be a running mouth.
I just wondered what would have happend to me if I had stayed on the path of destruction. I feel so guilty for what I have done, but God has forgiven me and I need to let it go and stop hanging on to the past.
I think sometime there is no way I will make it in. So you know if you have accepted Christ as your personal saviour then you know you cannot lose your salvation. Once saved always saved.
My thoughts are all over the place and so please hang on for the ride.
So now getting back to relationships, it is hard for me, because men seem to change their minds every five minutes. I don’t want this to turn into a bashing post of men. I feel like men and women don’t know what they want in life and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. If you say you love or care for someone how come they run from you. Some people cannot handle when people are honest with each other. It is ok, but just don’t string someone along for the wrong reasons. If you do this then the individuals will get hurt. Sometimes this can stem from someone who has been hurt so bad and they cannot commit because of something in their past. Remember there are still some genuine people out there and will have your best interest at heart. I had a friend say to me the other day do you want me to fix you up with a man and I said, “No!” because all they seem to do is make you cry. I just want to do the single life right now. Although sometimes being single can get very boring when you see other couples making plans for holidays or vacations. So life is so complicated and I don’t need the extra heartache. Not saying I will be single forever but right now that is the plan. I have to wait on the Lord for a husband because It isn’t good for man or woman to be alone. You know love is a big part of a humans life and you will not be able to survive without some kind of love. Now I see why so many single men and women have pets. Don’t get me wrong I love pets but I don’t want to take the time to nurture them and right now at this point in my life cannot afford them. I know that may sound harsh but if I cannot commit to taking care of a pet I am better off not getting one.
I have to do a lot on my own and I am by myself quite a bit. It would be nice to be able to go out with a friend because life is too short to live like a recluse and not get out there at all. Am I living in a fantasy world? Maybe in a perfect world it’s suppose to be this way!
That only happens on television or in a book. I know we are suppose to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. I have to wonder about when a relationship does not go the way someone feels like it should. Then people in the circle of friends treat each other different. It always left me wondering if they were my friend to begin with? I wonder about that at times.
I feel alone and I know I am not alone. I have confessed and asked for forgiveness but it seems like Christian friends are more stand offish than some random stranger you run into when you are out shopping. This isn’t a post to bring down my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am just saying that sometimes there are clicks and if you don’t fit their status quo then you are left out and that isn’t right either. So please don’t take what I just said the wrong way because I am just stating what I have experienced in my life.
So I have been single for 9 years now. I have seen how much life has changed. I have had friends come and go. Also friends who have said, “How come you cannot get over this divorce already?” That is coming from someone who I thought was a friend that could understand what I was going through. I know now when you cannot seem to move along in life people run out of patience with you and avoid you if you’re being so down in the dumps. This is when you just trust God and he will never let you down. He will stick closer than a brother.
I know things have changed so much since the divorce. How can you tell because people are different towards you because the way they talk to you. Let them find out you are divorced. This is where a lot of judgement comes in to the picture. People who have no clue about what happened start running their mouths without having any information at all. You have to understand there are always three sides to a story. His side, her side, and the truth. If you are just talking without the facts pleas stop. I will say this again, a listening ear could very well be a running mouth. So please if you cannot be an encouragement just keep your mouth shut. I have been on the receiving end of that criticism. That doesn’t always help at all. Plus it isn’t good for someones self esteem. The words you say could very well push them over the edge. The tongue is a very small member but it can cut more than a 2 edged sword. Remember there is always a perpetrator and a victim in all divorces. So if you don’t want to cause anymore pain be a true friend.
I am going to get a little more personal here. I have dealt with men and you will understand why I am feeling the way I feel. Some men are very understanding and some are not so understanding at all. Some get your trust and let you down. I feel like these are men who have been hurt. So they become protective and keep women at an arms length. Or they hurt them. What I mean by they hurt them is by getting them to trust them. Then when things are going great they will intentionally sabotage the relationship. This is when you know you are dealing with someone who has been hurt in the past or someone who is a player and just don’t want to commit.
So you ask how would I know all of this stuff. I have been there with men. Both kinds and it just makes you want to just give up. Please don’t give up. Keep your eyes wide open because you will see the signs. I will give you a few of the signs. First you all cannot get enough of each other. You talk all the time and share everything. The chemistry is so good and you just want to do a lot of things together. Then all of a sudden you are being pushed aside and rushed off the phone and you are left questioning if you have done something wrong. Usually when you have to question things there’s your answer. That particular person has found someone else and is afraid to tell you. Or that person was just playing with your heart mind and emotions. If the second part is right then you know that some men or women are not good people when it comes down to relationships.
I was talking with a guy and told him a lot about me. He was so kind and he drew me in. I let him know that I could not have anymore children. He said that everything was ok. He really didn’t mean it at all. He ran as soon as he found someone who was younger and could still have children. I am not trying to put younger women down I don’t blame her because she didn’t know. It was the man’s fault who I was confiding in he wasn’t being very true at all. I told him I chose to have a surgery that would prevent me from having anymore children. Also that surgery saved my life. I guess I was selfish when I ppractically passed out at work. I arrived at the hospital with a blood count of 6.2 when your blood count is suppose to be at least 12 to 14. I ended up getting a blood transfusion and before I left the hospital I ended up getting 6 units of blood. Just have to be a little sarcastic here. You will find out I am just a little sassy.
I am sorry I wanted to see my kids grow up and spoil my grand children. I am sorry if I was selfish because I like living and I know the Lord has me here for a reason.
I had to have an emergency hysterectomy because of the problem I have called endometriosis. I felt like a half of woman because I still had baby fever back then and still wanted more children. Now I feel so different about having more children now. I have done the single mom role for 9 years now. My daughters are adults. And I know the Lord meant for me to just have two children.
There is times when I wish my life had turned out a little different. I am not writing this because I want people to feel sad when they read this. I just want my story out there so it could help. When you are feeling like you are not worthy. You are so worth it and please don’t sell yourself short. I know it is easier said than done. Pick yourself up and keep it moving. Trust God he will be with you always. I am just letting my feelings out and once I finish I can go back behind the wall that I feel safe behind. Walls are very sturdy until they start to crumble or someone knocks it completely down. Also please don’t feel sad for me because I seem to bounce back.
The wall that protects me is the solid rock of Jesus. I am going to walk by faith and let God hold me because that is the only way I can make it during the good and bad times. So until the storm passes over I am safe with my Lord.
I have been listening to a song and I don’t know if it fits here but I will put it at the end of this post.
I have stumbled so much and God forgives all. I just wish sometimes I would not have stumbled at all. Then I could have been a better example for my daughters. I love the lord and I know I should not run. I get frighten and just feel like I need to run. who can protect me more than myself? I know I am not suppose to feel this way and I am doing better at it than I did back then.
I know God has me. He knows all my tears i’ve cried in the years of my life.
The name of the song i have been listening to is called, I come by The Way of the cross.
This song has been played at least once a day for me. I put the lyrics here. You will understand why I listen to it so much. I don’t own rights to this song.
Please fill free to comment and if you have a prayer request you can leave it here and I will pray for you. Also remember as much as I love you. Jesus loves you even more.
KTF Keep The Faith… 🙂
Condemned to die on a cross for crimes he had done
He was guilty- everyone could see.
But his destiny was changed as he looked at Christ and said,
“When Your kingdom comes, remember me.”
In Paradise that day, he stood
Just like the Lord had said he would
Surrounded by those who had gone before.
One said, “Friend, how did you come? What are the deeds you have done?”
With tears in his eyes, I can hear him reply,
“There are no merits to my name- no works that I can claim. He Who brought me here told me to say…
(Chorus)
I have come by the way of the cross.
I have come by the way of the cross.
It is nothing I have done.
It’s the suffering of God’s Son.
I have come by the way of the cross.”
I have nothing to claim but my guilt and my shame.
Hopelessly lost, I could not find my way.
Till His glorious light of love shone down on me.
His mercy washed all my sins away!
And what He did for me that day
Was a price I could not pay.
And by His grace, I too can say- forever say…
(Chorus)
Bridge
I see millions gathered ’round the throne
From every kindred and tongue-
Those redeemed by the blood of the Lamb!
And as they cast their crowns down at His feet
This will be my story- this will be my song,…
(Chorus “We”)
There is no other way.. but the cross! By the cross! By the cross!
KEEP THE FAITH 